When People Let You Down in Grief
- Written by Taylor
People Will Let You Down
In the early days of grief, people are everywhere: texting and calling to ask how you’re doing, offering to send gift cards for meals, sending care packages, hugging you at the funeral. At a time when the last thing I wanted to do was answer those texts and phone calls or be around a bunch of people, I found myself overwhelmed by all of the contact in those early days without my parents. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and hide. But before you know it, once the initial shock of the person’s death happens, the funeral ends, and people travel back home, everyone gets back to “normal” life. The problem is, this is when people deep in grief need others the most...when the quiet sets in. Once the dust settled, I found that there were crickets. Not many people asked how I was doing or asked what they could do for me. The loneliness of grief set in, and I felt abandoned, like people were letting me down.
Of course, I know the reality of the situation, because I have been in these other people’s shoes as well. I have forgotten to check in on my family and friends who are struggling. I get wrapped up in what I have going on, and at times, I don’t have enough to pour into other people. Life has to go on. People have jobs, families, lives to live. The person you lost was not someone else’s everything like they were to you. But it still sucks. It still feels lonely. It still feels like people don’t care.
Disappointment Leads to Pain
After my parents’ deaths, there were specific people who I thought would be there for Morgan and me. It was hard to have these people not show up for us. It hurt. It caused bitterness in my heart. I have now sat around tables during two holiday seasons where no one has asked me how I am doing during the holidays without my parents, a time where it feels like a more natural question, as losses tend to feel more pronounced at big events. There were some family members who showed up for the funeral that I haven’t heard from since, some family members who still haven’t even said “I’m sorry for your loss.” Sometimes that’s all I want, an acknowledgement that my parents are dead, that it absolutely sucks. We also found out after my mom’s death that some people may have known about her struggles with addiction and never said anything about it. It’s easy to resent others and to blame them for not helping her get help. I found myself going to therapy sessions where I was waiting for my counselor to say something earth-shattering that would make the pain go away. It never happened.
Pain has a Purpose
Although it feels like people have forgotten or that they don’t care, I have realized they probably don't know what to say. Most people my age haven’t lost a parent, let alone two. But it’s also hard to know what to say even if you have lost parents or experienced any other painful loss. Grief is so unique in this way. No one knows exactly how you feel. Here’s a secret: there is no right thing to say, and saying something is always better than saying nothing.
I have also realized that many people think that bringing up my parents will make me sad or will make me cry. Maybe. However, I think about them 24/7 anyways. I am sad that they are gone every minute of every day. I actually want to talk about them and share stories about them to anyone who will listen. Crying when I miss them isn’t a bad thing. Laughing at their quirks or funny stories about them aren’t bad things. It all helps me process my grief.
Over the past year and a half, I have had countless people say things like: “I don’t know how you made it through,” “You seem like you’re doing so well,” “You’re so brave for telling your story.” Want to know a secret? I haven’t done anything. Jesus is the reason that I am still standing. His amazing, perfect, overwhelming, never-ending love and grace has gotten me through the good days and the bad days.
A question people tend to ask about God is “why does He let bad things happen?” I don’t have a deep, theological answer to that question, and I think it’s a lot more complicated than what we can understand on this side of Heaven; however, I do know this: experiencing disappointment from others forced me to rely on Jesus. When people can meet our expectations and make us feel like they can fix our problems, we become content in our lives. That contentment can be dangerous, because it leads to us forgetting the most important fact of all. We need Jesus. The bad things in our lives push us to the edge of what we can handle, and Jesus rescues us. I want nothing more than to have my parents back, but I’m in awe of the way God used my pain to draw me closer to Him.
How to Avoid Disappointment
I just had to keep believing and keep showing up in prayer, in my Bible study, in my grief group at church. All of these things allowed me to find peace in my situation, a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6). They allowed me to realize that my mom and dad were never mine. They are God’s creations, and it was their time to go be with Him in heaven (Job 1:21). I make a conscious effort every day to not rely on people to be the main source of my comfort. God is the ultimate comforter (Psalm 23:4; Matthew 5:4). And He never disappoints.
Friends, if you don’t know Jesus, I encourage you to reach out to someone who does, to read the Bible, or to listen to a sermon online. I find myself responding to the comments about how well I am doing or how brave I am by saying, “If I didn’t have Jesus, I don’t know how I’d be dealing with this.” I truly don’t know how people get through tragedies on their own in this world. People will always let you down. We are all sinners, imperfect beings. It’s in our nature. But God will never let you down. He is perfect in every way. He knows your thoughts, your desires, your heart (Psalm 139). Only He can bring true peace and comfort.